Let it Burn
by Adi88
Summary: I touch the fire and it freezes me, I look into it and it's black. Why can't I feel, my skin should crack and peel... Akkigure, CHAPTER 97 SPOILERS.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Okay. Big news: This does NOT take place in my In-verse. So, SPOILERS. Akito's a woman, Kureno's freed (in the technical sense), Hatori's alive… and so on. Really, at base, it's a different philosophy altogether.

Plus, wow. I got this account with a vague idea that I'd be writing two stories and then, if there was a limit on how long you could go without writing, I'd get taken down. Instead of which, neither of those original two stories are up and I'm on number _ten_. Double digits! I adore writing these.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to HulaHula, who asked for this one too. I've had her walk me through every step, and she's responsible for the whole thing, which means at heart that if it sucks it's _all her fault. _Mine is an evil laugh.

No really, it's not her problem that I'm a dummy.

Dedication: _Mi hermano._ Freak that you are.

Disclaimer: Even more so than usual, nothing here is mine. It all belongs to Natsuki Takaya and I honor her above all other manga and anime author-types. The story-song is from Buffy, and the chapter-song is U2's "A Man and a Woman."

And here we go…

* * *

_Let it Burn_

"Walk Through the Fire," Once More, With Feeling, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer. _

I touch the fire and it freezes me

I look into it, and it's black

Why can't I feel?

My skin should crack and peel

I want the fire back.

Now, through the smoke she calls to me

To make my way across the flame

To save the day

Or maybe melt away

I guess it's all the same

So I will walk through the fire

'Cause where else can I turn

I will walk through the fire

And let it –

* * *

Chapter One: A Man and a Woman

Little sister don't you worry about a thing today  
Take the heat from the sun  
And little sister

I know that everything is not okay  
But you're like honey on my tongue 

True love never can be rent  
But only true love can keep beauty innocent

And I could never take a chance  
Of losing love to find romance  
In the mysterious distance  
Between a man and a woman  
No I could never take a chance  
'Cos I could never understand  
The mysterious distance  
Between a man and a woman

You can run from love  
And if it's really love it will find you  
Catch you by the heel  
But you can't be numb for love  
The only pain is to feel nothing at all  
How can I hurt when I'm holding you?

And I could never take a chance  
Of losing love to find romance  
In the mysterious distance  
Between a man and a woman  
And you're the one, there's no-one else  
That makes me want to lose myself  
In the mysterious distance  
Between a man and a woman

* * *

When we're children, one of the first things our bodies learn is to shrink from pain. It's an instinct so basic, in fact, that it nearly isn't something to learn at all so much as remember.

But there is a time before that, before we learn to shy away, when we don't know what to do when faced with pain. If, at that age, we close a hand around something burning, we simply don't think to let go.

Instead, we hold tighter.

And I realize that there must be something lacking in me that such a basic, hereditary instinct seems never to have arisen.

I can't do anything but constrict around her.

She drives me insane. Of course, she's less than stable herself… And I wonder who started it, this game of possession, and if it matters.

She knows how to cut me up inside until it hurts to breathe, and she does it. Over and over again, she does it, and I…

I hold tighter.

I don't let her know how much it hurts, because that would be against the rules. It's what she wants. No, I hurt her back, hurt her worse – so that her heart is bleeding and no one can soothe the hurt away, and I treasure her pain as I treasure her kisses and more. Because I'm the only one who can do it her, who _will_ do it, to her.

That's what makes me special, ne?

I've gone through life like a ripple, as lovely Mayuko put it. Nothing hurts a ripple. No one can get close to me, ever, no matter how hard they try.

Ayame and Hatori were the first exceptions, slipping into my heart before I thought to drift away. I can almost see it as literal, Ayame laughing and singing and distracting me, letting me think I was using him as I used everyone, while Hatori waited and watched, patient as always, for my guard to slip. And then they were in.

But they would never hurt me, never ask anything of me. Power isn't real unless you use it.

Then that dream. They woke up crying and shying away from the pain. I was… enthralled. This thing was in my heart, and I could do nothing but stand and let it in.

I was predisposed to love her, you could say.

From the moment she was born I wanted her more than anything. And from the moment she was born, she was willing to use that.

She puts people in categories, ingrained since childhood in her. Most of them involve being proof, a replacement. None of them are romantic, and her convoluted views of things she thinks she shouldn't have…

I won't play that for her. I won't live in her world of her black-and-white cruelty or kindness, won't play the part Kureno does for her, a father she can take to bed, someone she can control completely – someone safe.

Sometimes, I wish I could.

* * *

The sound of the doors to my rooms cracking back along their tracks and slamming into their niches is like thunder in this mausoleum of a house. Thunder of the apocalypse and an angry god.

She stands in the doorway, arms out as if the doors will fight back, as if she wants them to just so that she can break them. Her eyes are black with rage, lips white with the fury that hell hath none to match.

"Is it true?" Her voice is gentle, soft, in the same way a whip dragged across silk is gentle.

Ha-san stands behind her, not quite daring to touch her shoulder, say soothingly, "Akito-san, Ren-san was merely… you know she gets confused. You can calm down."

Over her head, his glowing eyes burn into mine. _You can't have done it,_ cannot, _but if you have… _

_Lie to her. _

From my desk I stand deliberately and say, "Yes, it is true."

I was ready for these faces, I thought. I prepared myself…

I was wrong.

Ha-san, loyal Ha-san looks at me in condemning, betrayed shock, not because he condemning because he does, but because he refuses to do so.

And Akito just stops. All the rage leaves her empty and raw, and she says, her voice that of a confused little girl, "Why?"

I don't think her lips move. The word seems to fall into the room, lost on its way somewhere else.

I don't answer, and she steps forward, arms dropping to her sides. "Hatori, leave," she whispers, and he does.

He wants to stay, to protect her – protect her from me – but no one protects a god.

The doors slide shut in his hands at her gesture, and she stands, deserted by her own command.

"Tell. Me. Why." Lost words, angry and frightened, from a form fragile as a heartbeat.

"Ah, Akito-san…" I chuckle. "Didn't your parents ever explain this to you? Boys will be boys, you know."

Her lips, perfect pink lips which always taste of lemon, tremble and contort as her eyes fill.

I smile, honest and cruel.

Pain. Such a very mortal feeling.

"You cannot do these things to me," she says emptily. "I am god."

Eyes like windows into space, empty and black, sear through me, as her world falls away beneath her.

"I could ask you why you've done very nearly this same thing," I point out casually.

Her eyes dry, tears gone like pearls in the desert, and her face twists as she takes refuge again in anger. "No! You cannot ask me anything! You will not question my actions or my motives! I am god; I will do as I please and you will do as I say!"

A righteously angered god, a spoiled child.

"Well," I murmur, "You're half right."

"Shigure!" The desperation in her voice is stretched too tight, breaking and taking too much else with it. Her delicate fingers curl into fists and she darts forward, hands tangling in my yukata. "You love me!"

"More than anything," I say, and none of the tears in my heart come to my voice.

"But… you hurt me…" the questioning inflection in her voice, a child who needs to be held, a girl who knows enough to pull away from pain but can't believe its source…

My heart cracks a bit more, but it's working. This is what I wanted. I wanted to see her burn.

I say, "If you're looking for a shoulder to cry on, I'm sure Kureno will be happy to play Akira for you."

The force of the blow to my face sends me staggering, catching the desk for balance. "Get out," she hisses.

And because she is god, I do.

If I let enough time pass, I could come back to her. A sinner seeking absolution once the wounds are scars.

But I love her. So I won't.

* * *

_I'm sorry, Akito. But as long as you're on this pedestal, I can't touch you. _

_You have a role to play, and everyone helps you play it. As long as we play along, you're safe, and none of us mean more to you than any other. _

_So yes, I'm sorry, so very sorry, but I'm going to destroy you. When we aren't your everything, you see, I will be. _

_In the end, they do need you, but they don't want you. Bonds of blood, ancient curses and oaths… very romantic, but in the end, no more substantial than a shadow and a wish. _

_They'll move on. It's only natural. They'll all find someone new. _

_I won't. Not ever. I won't need you, but I want you more than anything in the world. _

_That's why I hurt you. Because I'm the only one who can, because I'm the only one who will. I'll burn you until your hand can't open any longer, until you grow up and stop playing this game. Just let it burn, my love, because I promise… _

_You're my always. _

* * *

Gray-eyed girl across the street  
On Rue Saint Divine

I thought this is the one for me  
But she was already mine 

You were already mine 

And little sister  
I've been sleeping in the street again 

Like a stray dog  
And little sister  
I've been trying to feel complete again  
But you're gone and so is God

The soul needs beauty for a soul mate  
When the soul wants... the soul waits...

And I could never take a chance  
Of losing love to find romance  
In the mysterious distance  
Between a man and a woman  
For love and faith and sex and fear  
And all the things that keep us here  
In the mysterious distance  
Between a man and a woman

You'll see  
You'll see  
How can I hurt when I'm holding you?

* * *

AN: That was… quite the experience to write… lemme know how it was to read, okay? Boring? Wonderful? Sickening? Etc… 


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Well, I was worried Akito's would be vastly shorter. Not the case, really. Wow, I've loved writing this. I only hope it was half as much… much, to read.

One other thing – the words in "A Man and a Woman" actually go, "Brown-eyed girl," but in the only picture I can find where the color of Akito's eye color is visible it's gray.

And the line in "Walk Through the Fire" is actually "she calls to me," but I'm switching it to "he" here for obvious reasons.

For dedication, acknowledgement, and disclaimer see previous chapter.

* * *

_Let it Burn _

"Walk Through the Fire"

I touch the fire and it freezes me

I look into it and it's black

Why can't I feel?

My skin should crack and peel

I want the fire back

Now, through the smoke he calls to me

To make my way across the flame

To save the day

Or maybe melt away

I guess it's all the same

So I will walk through the fire

'Cause where else can I turn

I will walk through the fire

And let it –

* * *

Chapter Two: Bring Me to Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors

Leading you down into my core

Where I've become so numb

Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold

Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up inside

Wake me up inside

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without

You can't just leave me

Breathe into me and make me real

Bring me to life

* * *

If I didn't love him like this, I wouldn't have to hate him.

Why… why does he have to make everything so complicated? And why does he have to make me feel this way?

Gods don't feel lust.

I love them all, even that horrible Isuzu with her awful hair like snakes, even Ayame and Momitchi, loud and lying. They need me and we will never be apart. They couldn't leave me if they tried. How can I not love them?

But this… this isn't right; this is not the feeling I have for them. It doesn't hurt, with them. They are ungrateful, and rude, and sometimes I have to remind them quite harshly of exactly where their loyalties lie.

And then they cry. They beg for my forgiveness, need it, and I give it, of course. I adore them; how could I not? All I want is for them to stay safe with me – stay where I can watch over them.

With Shigure, it hurts. He dares to hurt me, presumes to betray me, the ungrateful dog. Without me he'd be nothing. Less than nothing - he'd be like that monster. Damned.

And I still feel the same way. No matter what I do, I want something from him that I shouldn't want. Not a need, a desire. Not love, not that kind of love. Something else, something that would frighten me if I let it.

With Kureno… it's all right with Kureno. That is a need, a concession to this cursed human, female body. It feels good and safe and I never… I never get lost. It's another way to bind my knight's wings. He can't leave me now, no matter what our bond may do. He's good and pure and he would never sleep with a girl and then leave her, or…

And Shigure not only is capable of doing something like that – maybe, in the end, anyone is "capable" – he _did_ it.

With him, I get so lost. I don't know where I stand anymore. Things keep changing and I can't keep track.

He's the only one who can make me fear death, because when I'm with him – those are the only times I feel mortal. And above all else, I don't understand. I don't see why he wants to do these things to me if he loves me, why he smiles when I hurt, why he makes me hurt him back.

Or why he would do the one thing that he knows isn't a game, the one thing that… that I can't take.

* * *

I push aside the door to Hatori's office, stifling a cough.

_Weakness. _

But he'll lend me his strength, as is his duty. It isn't being weak to take help from him, from any of them. They're mine; part of me. If only for a time, he will heal me.

I could have had someone send for him, but I want to see what he'll drop for me, see everything fade into the background. I want to know that I'm a god, that Momitchi with his smiles and his flowers and his judgments is nothing more than one of my limbs, that… that they love me.

Closing the door behind me, I begin, "Hatori, I want you –" and stop dead, watching that hair like a net of broken promises and regrets swirl as she turns to face me.

"Oh," that woman says. Her voice is like a mouthful of sugar; too sweet, too much, too insincere. It makes me want to puke. "Don't let me stop you." She smiles, a mockery of the expression. "I was done with him."

My stomach turns again at the thoughts her tone sets loose, dancing around the room, wraiths of torment. Her having more of him than I can have, being what I'm not to him.

_No. No, I'm more. I'm above that.n_

I look at him, stalking forward. I hate the plea in my eyes, am ashamed of my own fragility.

I can Shigure's voice in my mind. _"Unless it works, ne?" _

He's as calm as ever, shaking his head slightly and putting a hand on my shoulder. The gesture could be proprietary; it's submissive instead.

"You're filthy," I tell her, my breath loosening. I love Hatori's eyes so… Even he betrayed me, even he was seduced by an ugly, disgusting woman, but he's back now. It's not now, not this woman, and he's mine now for good. "You're vile and an outsider. All you do is look in."

"Akito-san, Ren-san was only here about a cough. And as she said, we were through." Hatori looks at her. "If you would kindly –"

"Really?" Huge dark eyes dance with joy, a mother any child would want, and snap with cruelty, the mother I have.

She smirks, a cat who's stolen all the cream.

"Ancient bonds of eternity and devotion, isn't that what you're always on about?"

She steps closer, and without knowing why I step back, nearer to my Hatori.

"You're pathetic," I hiss. "Jealous. They love me. They need me."

"And that's important to you, isn't it. That they think they need you? After all, when you come right down to it… who would _want_ you?" She smiles the smile of a doting mother.

Hatori steps forward, reaching toward her, starting to move around me. I know he probably wants to open the door, call her attendants to take her away. But I can't let him go away from me.

Not toward her.

I half turn, pressing a hand to his shoulder, and of course he stops.

"And these bonds, if they existed, they would hold them true to you every time? Prevent them from choosing me over you no matter what?" Her eyelids are heavy, sleepy and enthralling.

"Yes." Something deep inside me feels sick and trapped, facing something bearing down on it and too heavy to move.

"Hm." She frowns and taps her lower lip, her brow puckering in ostentatious puzzlement. "Then, one would think that such a fairy-tale bond – if it existed – would at least manage to keep your lover in your bed."

I laugh, a dry sound that echoes like an empty sob.

"Ren-san!" Hatori snaps. "Please stop this. And Akito, don't listen. You know you only get upset when you listen to this nonsense."

I can't see anything but her laughing eyes, can't hear anything but her poison words.

"Though I can see how it didn't work out," she adds, sighing regretfully. "Shigure is a very… _enthusiastic_ man, and it's not really surprising that a little 'boy' like you couldn't keep him satisfied. After all… you're only human."

She looks so pleased to have found this chink in my armor, and it's pathetic. It really is.

Maybe when the screaming in my head stops I'll remember that.

Hatori is talking, and that woman is leaving, done here.

I've crumpled, and I know Hatori is holding me, whispering soothing negations in my ear, but the roaring blocks them out.

"_Hold the seashell to you ear, Akito, and you'll hear the sea." _

It's gone. If he loved me, he wouldn't have gone to her.

* * *

_What would you do? If your world was sucked away beneath your feet, if your loved ones stabbed you in the back, would you be able to go on? Would you still laugh and joke and nudge things so that they went your way? _

_Could you still be? _

_I can. I do, every day. And I'm so tired of it… _

_I thought it would kill me, then. I thought I would end. I was only half-right. _

_I died that day. You were the only one, the only person who can make me feel those little human things… embarrassment, pleasure, joy, desire… all of me. You made me complete. _

_Then you killed it. The part of me only you could give life to, you took it from. _

_And maybe it's better this way. Maybe, now, someday I'll be strong enough that you won't be able to resuscitate that part of me for a time, only to let it die again when you leave. _

_And then I won't hurt anymore. I won't feel these things. _

_I'll be able to let go, and the burning inside will stop for good. _

_I can never quite believe it, you know. I can never believe that you would hurt me, that pain could come from you. So I keep trying to hold you, but every time, I get burned. _

_But someday… _

_The scars will be too deep. You won't touch me anymore. _

_I'll go on, and so will life, and I'll just exist. _

_It's only living I can't do without you. _

* * *

Wake me up inside

Wake me up inside

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch

Without your love darling

Only you are the life among the dead

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

Got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought without a voice without a soul

Don't let me die here

There must be something more

Bring me to life

* * *

AN: The end of my story. There is no more. …Ah, I'm just kiddin'. But that is all there is to this one, and so now, you know what I want you to do… 


End file.
